Can We All Please Dispense With Door Games?

Don't Force Me To Say Thank You

This may seem like a minor annoyance in the grand scheme of things, but it’s one of those social dances that sets my teeth on edge and I wish would just go away forever.

It’s a phenomenon that used to drive me nuts on a daily basis while still employed, but occurs evenly across the spectrum of human existence.

Let me present to you a representative scenario with which I am sure you are all too familiar:

Me:  able-bodied, not elderly or physically impaired, approaching the elevator, bodega, department store, or what-have-you; not burdened with any baggage beyond a shoulder bag, approaching at a confident, brisk, even pace.

Door Game Instigator:  Approaches door 20 feet ahead of me, grabs door handle, turns to see if there’s anyone following, and locks eyes with Yours Truly.

Me:  The Game has begun.  Great.  I am now an unwilling Door Game Player.

Door Game Instigator:  Opens door with a flourish-cum-challenge, all impatience and expectation.

Me:  Torn.  Do I rush to the door to relieve this poor soul of their Door Duty and gush my thanks, or do I take my time and let them stew in their self-imposed politesse?  I manage to do both at once.   I pick up my pace and halfway there I call out “That’s okay – I got it!  Thank you!”

Door Game Instigator:  Clearly not relinquishing his/her status as Savior of Able-Bodied Damsel In No Distress, continues to hold the door and revels in my discomfort.

Me:  Thinking to myself, Would you please just let the effing door close so I don’t have to thank you?  I’m perfectly capable of opening the door myself!  Upon finally arriving at the door I say aloud to the DGI “Thanks! You really shouldn’t have.  I’m fine!”

Door Game Instigator:  Clearly irritated that his/her gallantry wasn’t fully appreciated, a begrudging “You’re welcome.”

Game Over.

Sigh.

In case you’re confused, let me break this down for you.  If you’re not confused, let us commiserate:

A)    There’s a place for chivalry, but forcing it on others with the sole intent being a selfish need to be thanked is obnoxious.

B)    By making me run for the door just because you’re holding it for me, for twenty paces and zero necessity, you’re not being chivalrous.  You’re being a self-important asshole.

C)    Take a minute to reflect on this behavior:  why are you holding the door for far longer than necessary given that the person behind you is perfectly capable of performing the task themselves and is practically begging you to stop?

It doesn’t take a PHD in psychology to differentiate between those people who are really just being polite and those who are Door Game Instigators.  It’s the Instigators who piss me off.

I would suggest a rule:

If the person following you is more than three or four paces away, is of sound body and clearly not in any distress, put aside your need to be thanked and let them get the door for themselves.

And while you're at it, please stop blessing me when I sneeze.  My soul didn't go anywhere and you know it.  And no, I'm not going to thank you for it.